Sunday, July 23, 2006
Waiting For Superman
So I went and saw Superman Returns. I also had the pleasure of trying out a brand new cinematic viewing experience at my local Odeon, where they were clearly testing a sauna screen feature, combining the pleasure of watching a movie with sweating like a pig who's just spotted Jamie Oliver's tongue appearing from round a corner, followed by the man himself brandishing a machete.
Anyway. Great movie. Not gonna review it, cos what do you care what I think? I've spent most of today chucking bleach around my kitchen whilst listening to Fleetwood Mac's Tusk double LP (First Supertramp, now the Mac? Yes, in Banditoland it's still 1979...) I'd be amazed if you trusted me with scissors.
But what I will say is this: Wouldn't it be cool to be Superman? And yet in this movie he's all introspective and isolated. I could do that too! Flying around, listening in on conversations, seeing through things. And all with such melancholy lurking under the surface. But... and here's the clincher, how does Superman rate in the movie pantheons of people-I-want-to-be?
Well, by showing he's got a darker side by trying it on with Lois whilst she's got, like, a fiancee gets definite ticks on the loveable rogue scale. But it's hardly George Clooney in Ocean's Eleven is it? Yeah, he can fly, but so can Batman. And Batman has no super powers. At all. He's just a millionaire with a weak spot for Goth who had a tough childhood (oh, boohoo), and he can still do it. And sure Superman's strong and can lift things and stuff, but he still isn't a Jedi, is he? I mean, every time I walk through a set of automatic doors, I wave my fingers in front of them a second before they open, so it appears I have summoned up the Force to do my biding (like when Obi Wan stows away in Padme's ship at the end of Episode III.) If Superman wants to move something, he has to get up, walk (or fly) over to it and do it himself. Sheesh. Get with the programme, Clark.
And one thing I've always wondered: how does Superman prioritise? I mean, he says he hears every cry for help... But how does he know how desperate the person is? I mean, I'd cry for help if I've lost the TV remote. And those cries would be very convincing. The TV's stuck on ITV1, and there's nothing I can do, short of actually turning the TV off (my cable box has no buttons at all. That's progress for you.) Can you imagine? Can you? Let's try...
Me: Superman, Oh Superman, please aid me, in this, my hour of need.
Superman: *Whooosh* What's the trouble sir?
Me: TV remote. Can't find it. Looked everywhere.
Superman: *Sigh* Again? Look this isn't what I do this for!
Me: Yeah, yeah, just get with the X Ray eyes, underpants boy.
Superman: Grumble... Just this once... Look, it's under the beanbag. Under those overdue credit card bills. You didn't even bother looking at all did you?!
Me: Yeah, but what are you gonna do... Go on then.
Me: Well, pass it to me! I can't reach that far. I'm not Inspector Gadget, am I?
Superman: Can't you get it yourself?
Me: You're nearer! And I'm comfortable here.
Superman shakes his head with frustration and gets down on his knees to rummage under the beanbag.
Me: Yes! Son of Jor-El! Kneel before Del!
And so on, until I push Superman to the limit and he batters me to death with the remote. Heheh. I'd make a great sidekick! Like the Donkey in Shrek. (If anyone from Warner Brother's is reading this and gets any ideas, I own the intellectual property to the sidekick idea, so either give me an Associate Producer credit, or hire some big shot lawyers and prepare for some courtroom action.)
(Apart from the donkey in Shrek part, obviously. That's Dreamworks.)
Is it Sunday evening? Who'd have thought it.
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